Hunting down happiness, a book review: The Myths of Happiness By Sonja Lyubomirsky

Introduction

In The myths of happiness: what should make you happy, but doesn't, what shouldn't make you happy, but does, Lyubomirsky (2013) breaks down common misconceptions about happiness. She explains why we are not affected by major life events in the ways we believe we should be (Lyubomirsky, 2013). Without using the term itself, she suggests that impact bias, how we imagine the effects of a positive or negative event will affect us more strongly and for a longer duration than it actually will, is partially to blame (Gilbert et al., 2002.; Lyubomirsky, 2013).

 

Lyubomirsky (2013) approaches a broad range of the most common self-help topics, such as romantic relationships, parenthood, loneliness, career dissatisfaction, financial issues, terminal disease diagnosis, aging, and death. She centers the book around these situations, rather than on specific psychological concepts (Lyubomirsky, 2013).  She also adds more specific thought exercises, suggestions, and anecdotes for each  (Lyubomirsky, 2013). Marriage and long-term relationships can be rewarding, but require maintenance (Lyubomirsky, 2013. p. 18). The more peaceful home(s) from an amicable divorce is better for the wellbeing of children than staying together and creating a stressful home life for them (Umberson et al., 2005). As it is in the field of social psychology, some of the concepts in the book are intuitive, while others go against our expectations. One idea that surprised me was that small, everyday problems tend to bother us more than serious ones (Kanner et al., 1981). Those coping skills which we forget we have, which allow us to take on challenges better than we would expect, are not activated when we face day-to-day inconveniences (Gilbert et al., 2002, Kanner et al., 1981). So, we handle these seemingly minor issues far worse (Kanner et al., 1981). These are just a few pieces of information from Lyubomirsky’s book which I found interesting.

Applied Social Psychology Concepts

People struggle to accurately imagine how an event will affect how they feel in the future, a skill known as affective forecasting (Wilson & Gilbert, 2003). As a result of this poor emotional predicting ability, we have an impact bias, thinking that these events will have a stronger and longer effect on us than they actually do (Gilbert et al., 2002). People forget that our coping mechanisms kick in when facing painful, stressful situations (Gilbert et al., 2002). Over time, people get accustomed to changes in life, a process known as hedonic adaptation (Brickman & Campbell, 1971). Eventually, good and bad situations barely affect our daily lives, showing the error of impact bias (Brickman & Campbell, 1971; Gilbert et al., 2002, Lyubomirsky, 2013). 

Society tells people that getting married, having a successful career, and children will make us happy (Lyubomirsky, 2013).  So, people have unrealistically high expectations of these parts of life from the beginning, leading to even more disappointment when we begin taking them for granted (Brickman & Campbell, 1971; Gilbert et al., 2002, Lyubomirsky, 2013). Marriage and relationships suffer due to hedonic adaptation, because we lose some of our appreciation for our partners (Lyubomirsky, 2011; Sheldon, et al., 2013; Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2012). Drawing from previous research, Lyubomirsky (2013) argues that happiness in relationships requires putting effort into practicing gratitude and trying new things (Lyubomirsky, 2011; Sheldon, et al., 2013; Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2012).

According to social comparison theory from Festinger (1954), we naturally compare ourselves to others. In Lyubomirsky and Ross (1997) study, the least happy people felt best when they had done poorly, but not as poorly as somebody else. The happiest people felt best when they did well, though someone else did better (Lyubomirsky & Ross, 1997). She explains these findings in the book to show that comparing oneself to others leads to unhappiness (Lyubomirsky, 2013).

My Thoughts

I chose this book because I wanted to increase my happiness, or at least understand what might make me miserable. The idea of a myth of happiness, as indicated in the title, caught my attention. I do not feel as happy when I accomplish something as I think I ought to. If I could pick again, I might have tried Lyubomirsky’s previous book about happiness. I wonder what her original insights were and why she felt it necessary to write a second book.

 

I feel quite lukewarm about this book. I think I would recommend it to people who specifically want a self-help book about happiness. Lyubomirsky (2013) explains the results of studies in simple terms, so people with any background in psychology could read this book. Social psychology students could also read it, but we already learned about the main, overarching concepts, like affective forecasting and impact bias (Gilbert et al.,2002; Wislon & Gilbert, 2003).  I needed to read the entire book, but Lyubomirsky (2013) suggested reading the sections based on what topics interest you. Reading in this way would be less tedious, but you might miss a concept described in one section which applies to many life situations.

Applied Book Concepts

My mom happened to visit while I was reading this book. She read a part of it aloud that stunned both of us.  My mom and I both use lists to remember day-to-day tasks. Working on one big project, like studying for a social psychology test, can be daunting, but it keeps my focus in one place. I could rely on my study skills and schedule out chunks of time to work on it. I do not fly into a panic about tests because I know what to do when they come up. I review the lecture outlines, my notes, and the readings, then make detailed flashcards. I organize them by section, and check that they also cover the material shown on the exam guide. The process of writing flashcards is a major part of studying for me. I purposefully use the same pens in class, while writing the cards, and working on the tests. All of this to say, I have a system in place that works for me. In contrast, managing a bunch of small errands sometimes leaves me panicked and it feels unbearable. I have to split my energy between going to the dry cleaner's, exercising, planning dinner, going through emails, mopping the floor, preparing for a meeting, watering the plants, making a work order, figuring out where to get a haircut, and going to the grocery store. These seem pretty mundane and simple. Most of these take a few minutes. Yet, they all swirl around in my head, begging for attention and bothering me. So, I take a break and none of them get done. As I have worked on important papers, and studied, trying to figure out when would be the best time to pick up clothes from the dry cleaner’s has been in the back of my mind all week. Small, day-to-day things are so much harder on us than big, important things because we do not recognize how much they bother us (Kanner et al., 1981). Since we do not take them seriously, we also do not use coping mechanisms to feel better and get them done (Kanner et al., 1981). Lyubomirsky (2013) suggests that we recognize these nagging, little problems and treat them like bigger ones.

A part of the book which resonated with my current situation is counterfactual thinking. When people engage in counterfactual thinking, they are considering what would have happened if a life event had not happened (Kahneman & Miller, 1986; Sumerville & Roese, 2008). Sometimes it will make us feel worse about ourselves, but it is not the same as regret (Kahneman & Miller, 1986; Lyubomirsky, 2013; Summerville & Roese, 2008). After considering the series of improbable events which took place in order for us to be in our current situations, people tend to believe that close relationships are special, even fated to be (Kahneman & Miller, 1986; Kray et al., 2010; Sumerville & Roese, 2008). Thinking about the connectedness of events allows us to make sense of our lives (Kahneman & Miller, 1986; Kray et al., 2010; Lyubomirsky, 2013; Sumerville & Roese, 2008). As I have reflected on my college experiences, I realized that if a stroke of bad luck in my senior year of high school had not occurred, I might not have succeeded in college. I accidentally totaled my car on the way to school. The EMTs asked me if I had eaten at all that day. They told me that my blood sugar level was 79, as if I had been fasting. I had just eaten. I went to the doctor about it, and they did tests. Nothing showed as wrong, but it appeared that I was more sensitive to low blood sugar than most people. It would come with lowered energy, lowered mood, and ironically, nausea. Over the summer, I tested out a bunch of different snacks and found some that helped. After loading my dorm with snacks, I kept my blood sugar steadier. My overall productivity and mood improved greatly. I was so busy that I needed snacks on the go. It was easier to make friends and keep up in classes. 

Plenty of people randomly need to go to the doctor and find out they have a medical issue they had not realized. In this case, my problem would not have been detected by doctors since nothing was medically wrong. For years, my mom had commented on how grumpy my brother and I would get when we had not eaten. If this accident had not happened, I might never have figured out what was going wrong. I would have had trouble going to and focusing in class. Social outings would be more tiring, and I would not have felt like attending. I might not have wanted to continue going to college, honestly. So, I am very grateful for those EMTs. A little comment can change life’s trajectory.

Personally, I find decision making to be very hard. According to the book, when we have a lot of options, it is hard to choose, and we usually feel worse about that decision (Lyubomirsky, 2013; Schwartz, 2004; Schwartz, et al., 2002). So, figuring out which college I wanted to attend was going to be difficult. Sure, I thought about my preferences, researched and toured schools, but there were still a lot of schools. I narrowed them down to Southwestern, and a few other places. I have obviously enjoyed going to Southwestern. However, every single year, I have wondered if I made the right decision. I would have been exposed to more kinds of people if I had gone to UT Austin. I had not really considered it at the time, and never toured. Plenty of people in my high school class went there. I heard that some of them lived near each other, yet somehow never saw each other. Meanwhile, I have accidentally bumped into former elementary school classmates here. Now that my brother goes to UT, I visit and we walk around campus. There are so many buildings, activities, and people. I realize that I have been wanting more options, even though the number of options is part of why I question my college decision. Part of the reason I may have been so content at Southwestern is due to the limited options. There is one dining hall to socialize in. There are not many people, compared with UT. If you miss class, the professor will notice. I may just be trying to justify my decision at this point.

Author

According to her website, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky received her PhD in Social Psychology at Stanford University and currently serves as a distinguished professor at UC Riverside. Her page also mentions that her main area of research is happiness. In the book, she cites many studies which she helped write (Lyubomirsky, 2013). She only uses personal anecdotes to better communicate the concepts. Despite a slightly casual writing style, she appears to be an expert in this area. Again, this is the second book she has published on happiness. People must have liked the first one. 

Strengths and Weaknesses

Lyubomirsky (2013) confirms that happiness is not tied to a milestone or accomplishment. We can experience happiness wherever we are in life (Lyubomirsky, 2013). I like that all of the advice is based on psychological research. None of the advice is outlandish or prone to causing harm. It was comforting to read during a big life transition, because it reminded me that there are so many transitions for me to go through still, and there are resources to help me when those occur.

I think the book is a little outdated. It was an unusual choice to talk about happiness while being in a relationship, being single, or with children, leaving out childless people. Also, much of the financial advice was in the context of the 2008 recession (Lyubomirsky, 2013). All of her advice seemed sound, but none of it was particularly new or surprising to me. Also, by tackling multiple topics, the book is not a comprehensive guide to any one issue. 

Conclusion

If I were to condense her advice across these areas, it would roughly translate to: gain a larger perspective, foster gratitude, accept things as they are, but also be proactive in making changes if you feel miserable (Lyubomirsky, 2013). We can adjust our mindsets and feel happy even in bad situations (Lyubomirsky, 2013).

References

Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. In M. H. Appley (Ed.), Adaptation-level theory (pp. 287-305). Academic Press.

Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7, 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202

Gilbert, D. T., Driver-Linn, E., & Wilson, T. D. (2002). The trouble with Vronsky: Impact bias in the forecasting of future affective states. In L. F. Barrett & P. Salovey (Eds.), The wisdom in feeling: Psychological processes in emotional intelligence (pp. 114–143). The Guilford Press.

Kanner, A. D., Coyne, J. C., Schaefer, C., & Lazarus, R. S. (1981). Comparison of two modes of stress measurement: daily hassles and uplifts versus major life events. Journal of behavioral medicine, 4(1), 1–39. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00844845

Kahneman, D., & Miller, D. T. (1986). Norm theory: Comparing reality to its alternatives. Psychological Review, 93(2), 136–153. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.136

Kray, L. J., George, L. G., Liljenquist, K. A., Galinsky, A. D., Tetlock, P. E., & Roese, N. J. (2010). From what might have been to what must have been: counterfactual thinking creates meaning. Journal of personality and social psychology, 98(1), 106–118. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017905

Lyubomirsky, S. (2011). Hedonic adaptation to positive and negative experiences. In S. Folkman (Ed.), The Oxford handbook of stress, health, and coping (pp. 200-224). Oxford University Press.

Lyubomirsky, S., & Ross, L. (1997). Hedonic consequences of social comparison: A contrast of happy and unhappy people. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 1141-1157.

Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). The myths of happiness: what should make you happy, but doesn't, what shouldn't make you happy, but does. Penguin Books.

Sheldon, K. M., Boehm, J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Variety is the spice of happiness: The hedonic adaptation prevention model. In S. A. David, I. Boniwell, & A. Conley Ayers (Eds.), The Oxford handbook of happiness (pp. 901–914). Oxford University Press.

Sheldon, K. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2012). The challenge of staying happier: Testing the hedonic adaptation prevention model. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(5), 670–680. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212436400

Summerville, A., & Roese, N. J. (2008). Dare to Compare: Fact-Based versus Simulation-Based Comparison in Daily Life. Journal of experimental social psychology, 44(3), 664–671. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2007.04.002

Umberson D., Williams, K., Powers, D. A., Chen, M. D., & Campbell, A., M. (2005). As good as it gets? A life course perspective on marital quality, Social Forces, 84(1) 493-511. https://doi.org/10.1353/sof.2005.0131

Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2003). Affective forecasting. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, Vol. 35, pp. 345–411). Elsevier Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(03)01006-2

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Honor Code: I have acted with honesty and integrity in producing this work and am unaware of anyone who has not. /s/ Ellie Munson